An Amusing Guide as to why I’m single. (Rules for Dating a Tom)
Rule #1 If she doesn’t give a shit about Nirvana, or know anything about Nirvana, she’s either too young, or has no reason to be in my life. (The band, not the state of mind where mental clarity is achieved, although that would also be a bonus.)
Rule #2 I’m not grouchy in the mornings,… in fact I’m normally quite the opposite, I like to be annoying, play guitar, sing, probably shimmy slightly. Sometimes around the 7am mark, often 8am if you’re lucky. You must tolerate this.
Rule #3 They’re action figures,.. not dolls.
Rule #4 Touch my car stereo while I’m jamming to a chowne, and you’ll see me sulk for the whole drive until the song goes back on.
Rule #5 The noises I make when I’m sleepy and falling asleep are not “Cute” they’re masculine and would scare the stripes off a tiger,… or at least that’s what you tell them if they’re ever to ask.
Rule #6 If I’m wearing my favorite flannel shirt, don’t tell me to put on something smart,… that is my definition of smart… it doesn’t have holes in it.
Rule #7 My guitars are to be respected, caressed and fingered beautifully, If I find one item of clothing hanging from it. It will result in an arguement. (See Rule #8)
Rule #8 All arguments are to be solved either by the way of play fight, in which I win, or if I pull a faint, play fights are to end in sex… In which I win.
Rule #9 Keep me away from flames.
Rule #10 If you’re angry at me, a pillow fort is impenetrable, you cannot be angry at me, whilst I’m inside the pillow fort, I will only come out when you are completely at ease. I am aware that it may take weeks so I may request you bring me rations.
(to be continued….)
